| A 911 Diary: One Month Later In Memoriam...and Renewal |
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10/28: this was written over a month later, after the memorial service at the wtc: sunday's memorial service left me with mixed feelings (pretty much the normal state of affairs since sept. 11 anyway). in that first week after the attacks, coming home each nite from counseling the families and rescue workers, and dealing with my own grief, exhaustion, and frustration, writing a few thoughts to y'all each evening was a life-saver, so i'm imposing one more time. the idea of having a memorial service at ground zero, when there have been so many elsewhere, was hotly debated. i am, now that it is over, glad that it was done. a famous quote says: "the place where men meet to seek the highest is hallowed ground", and somehow, for me, this activity consecrated the site in a way nothing else could. i object less now to the idea of rebuilding on the site somehow. it was strange indeed, being used to the noise of demolition and removal that has been a constant backdrop there, to hear only the wind and the soft sound of the water that rains constantly on the fires still burning. the open mesh fence around the site was covered for the event, to afford the gatherers more privacy from the spectators. every one of us inside the area were keenly aware that we were there by invitation only...most gained access by the horrible price of losing someone close the them, i by the privilege of having been able to work with them. the decision to televise parts of the ceremony was also controversial, but i'm glad they did. many family members could not, or would not, go to ground zero and had a chance to see it on t.v.; being able to see the service was healing for the citizens who watched as well, and keeps the tragic horror in the public mind, which i think serves a purpose. i admit to having a mixed reaction to renee fleming's stirring 'god bless america' as i grapple with concerns about our government's choices, but andrea bocelli's rendition of ave maria somehow resonated for me against that backdrop in a way it never had before. and, as always, 'amazing grace' that struck me to the core and moved me to tears: "twas grace that taught my heart to fear, and grace my fear relieved..." i learned to my surprise that many of the family members had not been to ground zero before this, and they, as is everyone who sees it up close, were horrified. i can't convey the feeling when you see it for real, except to say that with the smoke from the smoldering subterranean fires pluming into the air, the howling wind and acrid smell piercing the eerie silence, it was truly like a primal vision of hell. yet look up and high on a building overlooking the site was a huge banner: "we will not forget." it was good, i think, for them to say goodbye at the site where their loved ones died. untelevised was the solemn event afterwards, when we all went back to the family assistance center at pier 94 and each family was given a flag, and an urn, inscribed with 9-11-01, containing debris from the site. for many this would be the only concrete thing they would have to bury or hold. others refused it, believing that the remains of the terrorists were mixed in, or just feeling that it was too painful, or for them, not meaningful. i heard so many times over the last month and a half how hard it was for those who didn't have a body to bury, and i've tried so hard to ease that pain just a bit with the reminder that who these people were, what they meant to each of their loved ones, is not in the ground, but all around them. they are part of the world now, and live on in memories, children left, projects and good deeds done, and their ashes are part of the wind and rain and air. as the poem i read at mom's service ends: "Do not stand at my grave and cry. I'm in your heart; I did not die." |
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